Giving Up On Being Social

I'm giving up Facebook (from here on out referred to as FB).

I am not deleting my account or anything, but I am down to checking it about once a week and hopefully I can get that to once a month.  I have deleted the apps from both my iPad and iPhone.  I like having the ability to keep in contact with friends and family, but other than that I am beat down by it.

I found myself spending too much time worrying about what others are doing, I took it personal when close friends went out and didn't invite me (that is definitely the pregnancy hormones - that's just silly), and I just "checked" it constantly.  Again, I found that I was wasting a considerable amount of time Facebook-ing.

Don't get me wrong - I love congratulating people when they get engaged, ultimately get married, and then expand their family when they announce they are expecting, I like seeing pictures of my nieces and nephew, and staying in touch with those that live far away - but for about the 70% of excited news I get from FB, I get 180% negative news (yes, I know those percentages don't add up, but that is how FB makes me feel).  It is just beating me down (did I already say that?).

So, if you want to know what is going on with me find me on Twitter (@McGowanLacey). I am not very Twitterliterate so I don't work that form of social media often.  You can also find me pinning recipes to Pinterest.  If I am not in either of those places or I am not responding to you in a timely fashion, e-mail me, call, or text.  That is the fastest way to reach me.

I am going to blog more.  One of the most important people in my life told me during Christmas that she really missed reading my blogs.  Well, here you go Aunt Tonya, here's my first blog (of hopefully many) of 2013.

Happy New Year, to you and yours!

~Insert Catchy Blog Title Here~

I couldn't think of a blog title.  :(

It has been months since I have blogged - well, if you count the one about Mammie or the one about Kolaches then it has been a few days.  However, I haven't blogged in a really long time about the things going on around our house.

Where to start:

AMANDA - Amanda has been in preschool for almost 5 months now and she absolutely loves it.  Her teacher, Ms. Norris, is a true delight and we love her dearly.  We also love Ms. Amy, the preschool director.  I don't think that we could have chosen a better place for her to learn and grow in God.

She is getting so smart.  She is really good at remembering.  I smile when I catch her singing little songs from school.  It fills my heart with gladness and joy with her being in my life.  It is simply amazing.

MAMMIE - Mammie went through surgery well.  Her hip is healed.  However, you may recall that when she was in the hospital she suffered at least one stroke.  She was put in a rehab facility in Fort Worth and due to either Medicare or Healthsouth rules (I don't remember which) she had to be moved to a different rehab facility.  She is now in Cleburne trying to make a full recovery.

She wants to go home so badly.  She has her good days and her bad days.  I want to bring her home to my house - as I promised her when I was a small child, but I can't take care of her the way she needs to be cared for. 

I HATE seeing her in a nursing home.  She never wanted to go to a nursing home.  But, it is funny, when you plan your whole life out, God has a different version of how your life is going to go.

I will take this time to mention that if YOU or your LOVED ONES do not have Long Term Care (LTC) Insurance - IT IS TIME TO GET IT!  Medicare is tricky to understand and doesn't pay for things you might think it does.  You never know when you will need it and when you do need it it's too late to get it!

NOVEMBER 12, 2011 - Mike and I got married.  Nothing too big, just a small ceremony with family and a few friends.

KENNEDALE HIGH SCHOOL WILDCAT BAND - I announced on FB a while back that I took a Color Guard/Winterguard Instructor/Choreographer position with KHS Band.  I LOVE every minute of this job!  Our marching season was learning experience for not only me, but the girls as well.  They loved their old "coach" (quite an endearing term - I love being called coach) and it took quite some time for them to get used to me, my teaching style and my color guard habits.  Most of them have come around.  I love these ladies.  They are an extremely talented group of girls.  My captain and lieutenant are tireless.  I share a bond with each of them.  I look forward to the days where I get to go to Kennedale and hear about their lives. 

They have "adopted" Amanda and have made her the guard mascot.  Amanda calls them "The Girls" and loves going to Friday night football games with me.  They even bought her her own little flag.

Winterguard season is in full swing and I am designing my own show. 

The whole band is just full of awesome kids.  It is an honor to be doing what I love for this band.

DIVORCE CARE - DC went well.  I learned so much about myself, about J and about where I stand in the process.  I was much better off than I thought I was....but I still worked on a lot of things.  I met some awesome people and I LOVE my DC leaders.  Dr. A sends me an e-mail every once in a while to check on me.

MIKE - For the past 5 weeks Mike has been in a cast.  He tore two tendons in his ankle.  We don't know when, we don't know how.  All I know is that shortly after we got married he had to go in a cast.  I lovingly joked that I didn't know "in sickness and in health" would come so soon.

That also means his Aiki training has been off for 5 weeks and looks like a few more.

STONEWATER - StoneWater Church.  I have attended several times and I have absolutely fallen in love with this church.  It is so easy to just go and worship.  It is so laid back - no pressure, no demands.  Just come and love and worship Christ.  So different from my experience at Southside and for that I am thankful.  I needed something different and found it at StoneWater.

CHRISTMAS - We had a wonderful Christmas.  Amanda got tons of presents!  She exclaimed that she couldn't be on the naughty list because Santa brought her so much stuff. 

LIFE - Life in general is going pretty good.  I have spent the last few months on a roller coaster of emotions and have found myself sad sometimes.  There are people in my life that are mad at me for reasons beyond my control.  I worry that others are mad at me simply because their lives have changed.  My grandmother being in the nursing home really makes me sad.

I made the mistake of jumping the gun on something (I won't go into detail) before I talked it out.  This has put a kink in a few relationships in my life.  I had to defend myself and my actions and yell at the one person I would have never wished to yell at.  This hurt me a whole lot (as I am sure it did that person).  However, I had to stand up for myself, my actions and what I thought was right.  In the end, I believe I have set things right - why? - because I talked it out.  Maybe, by doing that, I can work on the other relationships that have kinks in them.

I am a pessimist.  I never expect a good outcome on anything.  I expect the worse and when the best happens I am pleasantly surprised.  I am trying so hard to work on this one aspect of my life.  Mike asked last night if I ever talk through the positive things I have done for others.  No, I answered, because I can't do that.  I guess I am going to have to start. 

I love my life, the people in it and the things that make me, me.  I always fall back on this line from Modest Mouse:

"We have one chance, one chance, to get everything right.  My friends, my habits, my family they mean so much to me."

Proud to be Czech - Proud to be a Simcik

Paul Matthew and Eunice Simcik had six children of their own.  Those six children grew up and had children of their own making 11 grandchildren.  Combined, the grandchildren had 11+ children amongst them and those great-grandchildren are now having children of their own.

I am one of those great-grandchildren.

I never knew my great-grandfather, Paul Matthew Simick.  He passed away at a very young age (45, I believe).  However, my great-grandmother, Eunice (Grannie, the grandchildren called her, G.G. the great-grandchildren called her), lived to be 97 years old!  I remember her as a little lady, very petite with white hair.  She wore glasses and always had her hair curled.  I remember she always had some piece of jewelry on.

Christmas has always been a very important holiday for our family.  Every Christmas Eve was spent at G.G.'s, no matter where she was living.  I only remember her living in a little 2 bedroom, one bath bungalow right outside of Whitney, TX not far from the dam.  You didn't miss Christmas Eve at G.G.'s for anything.  That was the time where our entire family gathered to hear of the news, gossip and going's on of the previous year amongst families.  That little bungalow was filled to the brim with food, laughter, reminiscing and family members.

After G.G. passed away each family started doing their own thing for Chrismas and it seemed as though the time between visits were few and far between.  I have cousins that I haven't seen in years.

My family opted to spend Christmas Eve at Mammie's house and that is what we have been doing since 1998, right up until this year.  This has been a tough year for me, and especally for Mammie.  She got through the stroke and the hip surgery, but now she is in a nursing home/rehab facility waiting for the day she gets to go home.

I had made the command decision this year to take on the task of baking Kolaches.  A Kolache is a Czech pastry with a fruit (Apple and Poppyseed in our case) center and sprinkled with a sugar, cinnamon crumble called Posypka. 

My whole life I have been eating Kolaches.  G.G. made them, Aunt Polly made them, Aunt Katie made them, Aunt Eva made them and a few years ago Mammie started making them.  The Kolache has been an important pastry in my family for years.  Unfortunately, most of my aunts have passed on and the two remaining Simick girls are to the point now where making Kolaches isn't feasable.  This thought truly broke my heart and saddened me.

So, being a descendant of Paul Matthew and Eunice Simick, I knew I must take up the torch, so to speak and learn how to make Kolaches.  This is a daunting task - it takes roughly 6 hours from start to finish to make Kolaches - a task I was willing to take on.

I bet you are starting to wonder, "Why a blog dedicated to a pastry?"  Well, it really isn't about the Kolache, you see, it is about why I was inspired to take the time to bake the batch of Kolaches.

I had found myself working up to Christmas Eve and being in a quite the bah-humbug mood.  I was sad because instead of being at Mammie's house, eating Mammie's delicious food we were going to be in Mammie's room at Colonial Manor spending Christmas Eve.  I know that isn't where she wanted to be - she wanted to be home too.  Every time I leave I just want to bundle her up and take her with me.  I know I can't because she needs to be there to get better.  I knew baking the Kolaches would make her feel some sense of home even though she couldn't be there. 

Mike was my taste tester.  He LOVED them.   I was so overcome with emotion when he said that I just cried.  I was so happy that I had made an edible Kolache!  He said I should be proud to give these to Mammie and my mom.  So I did. 

I took Mammie two apple and two poppyseed kolaches.  When we walked in I told her that I had something for her.  Not one to want gifts, she got this disapproving look on her face.  I told her that they were Kolaches - and I made them.  I think my uncle was more shocked than she was.  She didn't feel like eating one at that moment.  But, before we left, I gave her a kiss and she told me that she was proud that I had taken the time to make them and that she thinks I am the only great-grandchild that has ever attempted to make them.  I am waiting to go back to visit to see what she thought.

My mom loved them.  That is all that I needed.  I have now been deemed the new Kolache maker!

Even though my Mammie couldn't be home this Christmas, I brought a little bit of her home to her.  It is amazing how a simple Czech pastry can bring back the fondest memories and warm your heart and make everything better.

Ode to Mammie

If you have known me for any significant amount of time, then chances are you know all about my grandmother, Ruth Marie Simcik Toole.  We call her Mammie most others call her Aunt Reetsie and she goes by Marie to everyone else.  I gave Amanda the middle name Marie because of her (and a few other of my dearest friends who all share the same middle name) and I do most of everything I do because of her.  After my parents, she is one of my sources of inspiration.

Mammie lives in modest means.  For almost 50 years she and my granddad (who you will hear more of later) lived in the 5000 block of Vicki Street in Haltom City.  I can remember the day she moved out of that house just like it was yesterday.  She moved in at that time with her mother, my great-grandmother, Eunice Lonie McGuire Simcik; or G.G. for short.  After G.G. passed away she decided she would live in Kopperl.

A few blogs ago I wrote of Kopperl and the significance this tiny town plays in my life.  Mammie has lived there for quite some time.  It started with two travel trailers on the lot behind their antique store.  One belonging to she and my granddad the other belonged to my granddad's cousins who would come down every weekend with us.  In the beginning there were three; Aunt Bertie, Deenie and Maree.  I lovingly deemed them the Golden Girls.  Sadly, people pass away and  ultimately she sold both the trailers and converted one of the rooms of the antique store into a little apartment.  She has a sitting area, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom.  For her, that is all she needs.

Mammie is tireless.  For as long as I can remember she has been doing for others.  She took care of my granddad, Charles Clyde Toole, Jr., Pee Paw, as we called him, when he was diagnosed with Emphysema and Lung Cancer.  He passed in 1992, almost 20 years ago!  Time really does fly.  As I stated above, she then went and took care of G.G. She passed away in 1998.  I remember this because G.G. was born in 1901, she would have turned 97 in August of 1998.  After that, she just lived. 

Mammie would also give you the shirt off of her back and the last penny in her bank account if you needed it.  Mammie always helped my sister and I with our finances.  My parents did as much as they could to buy my sister and I the things we wanted and needed.  Mammie and Pee Paw filled in the gaps. 

I have never seen Mammie get mad either.  She has such a sweet demeanor and caring nature.  She also doesn't mind telling a story.  I could sit and listen to her tell stories for hours on end (even if I have heard them a million times).

Mammie is also very independent.  She will be 84 in December and she drove herself everywhere up until a few months ago.  And until Monday, she lived by herself.

She has seen alot, watched a lot of her relatives pass before her, witnessed a few wars, been alive for several different presidents, had a few different cars, held a few steady jobs, lived a few places and has never really been anywhere. She love watching the Rangers, the Mavericks and the Cowboys.  She loves Suduko and loves the weeks she gets to come and be with Amanda.  She enjoys cooking, especally kolaches and she wouldn't miss Sunday morning breakfast for anything.  She can play a mean hand of 42 even though she won't admit it. 

Monday I received one of the most devistating phone calls of my adult life.  My sister called and asked me if I had heard from Uncle Mike.  I told her I didn't receive his message and didn't hear my phone (it was in my purse).  She proceeded to tell me that Mammie fell and broke her hip, that she was in the hospital and they were going to have to do surgery. 

I was on my way to band practice and I couldn't leave practice...so I had to endure two hours of worry, angst, and frustration until I could get out and be there.  When I finally made it to the hospital she was there.  Laying in that hospital bed not looking like the Mammie I had seen a few weeks prior.  That was hard.  She was in good spirits though and spoke as if she wasn't in the hospital.

At the time they had her hip surgery scheduled for Tuesday.  Tuesday morning I took off work and drove to the hospital.  When I arrived she wasn't in the room.  My uncle had told me that they took her back to have a CT scan done.  They think she had a stroke.  When she returned, she did look as thought she had a stroke.  She had left side paralysis.  Again, not a sight I wanted to see in a million years.

To make an already long story short; she keeps having small strokes and until they figure out the cause of those, they can't fix her hip.

I know people can't live forever, but I was sure Mammie was going to.  I am closer to realizing that now that I ever cared to.  However, we all loose loved ones....the great thing though?   We get to see them again one day.

If you have never met my grandmother, you are missing out...if you have, you are lucky.  I hope that she has touched your life just like she has touched mine.  And for that...I will be forever greatful and never the same.

"But, We Didn't Eat At The Pancake Store."

Isn't it funny how children interpret things?  Amanda is really bright and super smart.  Last Saturday I had to go to Lewisville to get my 10,000 mile maintenance check on my car.  The appointment was at 9:00 a.m. and I had to leave the house pretty early.  I had given Amanda the option of staying home or going with me.  After going back and forth several times on what she wanted to do, she finally opted to go with me.

Next door to Lewisville VW is a Cracker Barrel.  When we arrived and got the car checked-in, I asked her if she wanted to go have pancakes for breakfast.  She said yes.  We walked over there and unfortunately the wait was pretty long so I made the command decision not to eat there.  Telling her we were leaving really upset her.  However, we she calmed down pretty quickly after I told her we would go to McDonalds and get something. 

We finally got the car, went to Micky D's, made it home and I layed down to nap.  Being three, Amanda doesn't want to nap so she and Mike drew and cut while I was napping.  That night after I dropped her off with Justin for his time, Mike was telling me about their time together.  He said that she told him all about our trip to the dealership.  How she wanted to go look at the cars, but I told her no because it was too hot outside to be walking around, how the guy gave her a football chocolate that I would only let her eat after she ate some chicken nuggets, but how we didn't eat at the pancake store.  I laughed, I said "I think she meant Cracker Barrel."  I can see how she thought it was a store. 

Isn't it funny what our children retain and then hold us accountable for?  Amanda can tell me about Sadie, the Siberian Husky Justin had when she was little.  She can tell me about our old house.  She reminds me constantly that she wants a playscape for the backyard.  She calls me out when I tell her I will do something and then don't do it or I forget to do it and she knows when we don't eat at the "pancake store." 

I would give her the world if I could.  I feel bad when I don't get her what she wants or I forget to do something for her.  Last week it was putting her "baby songs" back on the iPod so she could listen to them.  But what is funny, when I forget, and I tell her I am sorry, she is truly forgiving.  She says "Okay momma, can I listen to Johnny Cash, or Poker Face or Big Green Tractor?"  I turn the tune on....crank it up...and we jam together.  It really can't get any better than that.

Some Things I Don't Want to Forget.....

My Dearest Munchkin,

I just had to take some time and write to you.  It seems these blogs are informative of your doings, but I have not written one directly to you.  You are doing so many things these days that I am trying to encapsulate into my brain, but I find that I am having trouble remembering the things you do or say that make me laugh.

We are just a few short weeks of you starting pre-school.  This thought makes me happy and sad at the same time.  Happy because you are going to get to start school!  I loved school and my hope is that if I pass on one thing to you that it is a love for school and learning.  I am sad at the same time, because this means you are growing-up.  It is inevitable that you are going to grow, but it just seems like yesterday I was holding you in my arms for the very first time.  Time flies so quickly.

Currently, you are in the "Why" stage, you LOVE listening to Johnny Cash and "Big Iron", you are a hula-hooping pro, t-ball playing queen and a slip-n-slide junkie.  You don't want to eat these days.  However, I can put a donut in front of you and you will scarf it down.  But, when it comes to corn, lasagna, or something good for you, you don't want to have anything to do with it.  I am positive you will grow out of that. 

One of my favorite moments lately has been your insistence on being right all the time.  For example, Johnny Cash sings a song called "One Piece at a Time."  The song talks about building a Cadillac out of one piece at a time out of parts that were taken from a GM plant.  The song goes like this:

Johnny sings: "...the first year they had me puttin' wheels on Cadillac's."  One day, as we were driving to Danny's you were singing.  I noticed that you didn't say "Cadillac's" but "Gavalin's."  I turned the music down and asked you what you had said.  You said, "Momma he is saying Gavalin's."  I told you that was not what he was saying and that he was saying "Cadillac's."  However, you were so insistent that you were right, I couldn't bear myself to tell you that wasn't right.  You are still saying "Gavalin's."

I am sad when you leave us to go visit your Daddy.  I know he needs his time with you too, but I miss you when you are gone.  It is like the laughter minimizes significantly when you aren't there.  The best part of the week is getting you back.  When I haven't seen you for 4 days and you hug me so tight, tell me that you have missed me and that you love me, that is the best feeling in the world. 

I will cherish the time we have; like when we play t-ball, go to the park or pool, play golf and hit the ball into Mike's special pillow and we yell "GOAL" at the top of our lungs, when I tickle you, when you tickle me, playing doll house, coloring, watching you learn something new and listening to you laugh and seeing you smile.  You make my life worth living and you have so much space in my heart.

I am so thankful, despite everything that you daddy and I have been through, that God gave us you.  You are so special and you touch the hearts of everyone you meet! 

I Love You, more than I will ever be able to show you.

Momma

In Fact....It Has Been A While.

Goodness!  Has it really been almost 2 months since my last blog?  It really does seem like time flies.

Justin and I officially enrolled Amanda in pre-school.  Starting in the fall she will be attending Lakeside WEEschool!  Her want to go to school varies on different days.  Some days she is really excited, while others she is pensive and says she doesn't want to go.  I guess we will see how that works out.

Summer is offically here.  I know because we have already been to the pool twice and the lake once!  There are two pools in Pecan Plantation, where we live, and we just recenlty went to the one at the club house.  Amanda really enjoyed that one because she can touch the bottom of the shallow end.  She was even brave enough not to wear her life jacket while swimming!

We found ourselves leaving Memorial Day for Vegas.  I had been once, but stayed away from the strip.  This time we stayed at Treasure Island.  We took in "Mystere" at Treasure Island and "Absinthe" at Caesars Palace.  I would highly reccomend both shows...but if you have to choose just one....see "Absinthe" (or "O" at the Bellagio, which we didn't see this time)  "Absinthe" is a raunchy, burlesque type circus show with acrobats, skaters and stunts!  It was a good show...but totally not what I expected.  We also rented a car which was lovely.  It really saved or legs by not having to walk so much.    I met Lady Gaga and Judy Garland too!  Not really.  We went to the wax muesuem, saw the Hangover II (I do not reccomend it), and scoped out the Hoover Dam.  This is an AMAZING feat of engineering.  We also got to see the new Hoover Dam bypass bridge which is another amazing feat of engineering.  All-in-all it was a great time.  I only lost $10.00 and that was playing Keno my first time.

I also had my first tap recital also since the last time I blogged.  It was quite scary I must admit.  I messed up a few times, but I feel that was nerves more than not knowing my routine.  I can spin a flag blindfolded...but tapping isn't something that comes natural.

I started my first Divorce Care class yesterday too.  I really thought about not going, but realized yesterday that this may just be the thing I need to help with my healing process.  About halfway through I told one of our leaders that I didn't think I deserved to be there and she asked why.  I told her that since I was already in a relationship (something they tell you not to do), not a member of a church (although I think the Lord is leading me to a new church home), and I was the divorcer, I felt as though I didn't have the right to be there.  She told me that was nonsense and we discussed my story.  It was a little nerve racking to share....but I was open and honest.  I have realized that I may need more healing than I know.  More updates as that goes along.

I also have started writing.  I told you about my book a few blogs ago, but I have started writing out letters to those that have been an important part of my life, as well as those that have decided that they didn't want to be a part of my life after my divorce was final.  I am finding that is is a great catharsis for me to get out all of these feelings and words that have been stored up for so long.  I know these words will never make it to these people, but it helps me to heal also.

Amanda keeps growing and learning and I am amazed at just how much her small mind retains.  She is in the "Why" stage now.  She follows every answer with "Why?" or "How Come?" or some form of a question that will allow her to expand her knowledge base.  She is so amazing to me.  I look at her and just marvel at the awesomeness that God has done for us by giving us this little girl.  She has a plaque above her bed that says: "Heaven sent, handle with care."  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for putting this little being into our lives.  I am lucky that Justin and I decided to have a child.  I don't know what I would do without her.