The Overdue "Thank You's"

The time has come for me to finally sit down and express my thanks and admiration for those that are walking the path with me.  The people that have never left my side, never been judgemental and have loved me no matter what I have been going through.  The past couple of months have been extremely hard.  I took a major step in my life and did something that I never thought I would actually in a million years do.  It was hard.

I have a sincere appreciation for those people that helped me through the rollercoaster of emotions and gave me a shoulder to cry on (or punch) or just listened when I needed an ear.  They are listed in no particular order.......

My Parents:  My parents have done nothing but stay by my side.  My mom was there when I had to move all of my stuff out of our house.  She was there when I had the break-down in her living room assuring me it was all going to be okay and that life did stink at times and that it isn't fair.  She is my rock and I love her dearly.  My dad has been there with advice when needed, a story when I needed a laugh and silence when he knew I didn't want to talk about it.  My parents have been and will always be my heroes and I love them to the ends of the Earth and back.

My grandmother:  She has been the most surprising.  She didn't say I was wrong when I told her the news and she has been there with gentle words of encouragement. 

PATO (People At The Office):  Sam, Mike, John and Pat.  They have endured 3 years of listening to me rant and rave and for that all of them should be given some sort of medal.  These people are truly my saving grace and non-judgemental, always there to offer advice go to people.  They know me, they know when I am having a bad day and they know when I am having a good day.  We spend 8 hours a day 5 days a week together.  They are more than my friends, they are my family and I love them dearly.

Rachel:  She loves me unconditionally.  That is rare to find these days and for that I am extremely greatful.  We have done everything together, been through everything together and she knows my deepest, darkest, secrets.  She has stood right by my side through this entire ordeal.  Pushing me to know that it is going to be okay.

Hannah:  My dearest and one of my best friends.  She has given advice and has told me it was all going to be okay.  Although the miles between us hinder our relationship she has always stood by my side and has had the shoulder when I needed it. 

My father-in-law and mother-in-law:  Yes, I said my in-laws.  They are willing to forgive and start a new with a friendship.  During this whole thing I have never stopped loving them.  They have been important people in my life for almost 10 years.  I am sad that we are no longer family, but glad we can be friends.     

My extended family, friends and aquaintences:  This includes my new friends in Dallas, Dr. H and all others. There have been many that have dissappeared, avoid me in Wal-Mart or if the don't avoid me they act as though I have the plague.  However, there are many of you out there that have offered kind words of encouragement, messages of hope and the knowledge to know that you would always be there should I call upon you.  Many have said that this is for the better, not only for me, but for Justin.  Many have gone through this and have felt the feelings I have, many simply wanted me to know it was going to be okay, several others have given a hug when I needed it and then some let me talk things out.  No matter what you have done or the support you have given it will never be forgotten. 

Lastly:

Amanda:  Although she can't offer advice or a shoulder to cry on, she has been my reason for living these past few months.  She is the breath of fresh air I need when the day has been long, troubling and tiresome.  She is the giggle I need to see just how some things in this life don't matter much in the end.  She has given hope for my future and played with me when the towers of Leggos offer solice from the real world.  I know things will be okay because she is here with me, providing strength, courage and hope.

To all of those that I love, you have been a constant the past few months.  People have come and gone, however, I am greatful for those that have remained, didn't pick sides, listened to both stories and didn't judge.  I never asked for anyone to not be friends with Justin, but to consider that he has a story as do I. 

Thank You All....from the bottom of my heart.  You mean more to me than I will ever be able to show.

Lacey

D-Day Approaches

*DISCLAIMER*

There is nothing but honesty in this blog (or any blog I write for that matter).  As I keep saying; there are always two sides to each story and I am just sharing mine for those that may not know.

D-Day.  Not D-Day as in the June 6, 1944 Normandy Invasion D-Day, I am talking about my D-Day, August 20, 2010 - the day my divorce is final.

Let me start off by putting out some fires.  I never cheated on Justin and we didn't resign from the church because of our divorce (it just happened to coincide that we separated and resigned around the same time and hindsight it was probably for the best).  I have also told the same story to everyone that I encounter that cares to know.  This also didn't come to fruition because Justin lost his job at Wal-Mart.  I married for "richer or poorer" and I was willing to accept whatever God threw our way because of the misfortune of Justin loosing his job. 

Justin is a wonderful father to Amanda and for that I will always love him.  I look at the photos from the day Amanda was born and I smile because he held her with such care and looked at her with complete admiration.  I will cherish those times I just listened to them play together or when I watched them interact.  I still cherish those times.  She gets so excited when she sees him pulling into the parking lot to pick her up and she gets giggly and runs over there and they embrace.  That is priceless, even though we are separated and soon divorced, I still cherish those moments and the ones to come.

The love in my heart for him as a father will never extinguish.  However, our love for one another as husband and wife has fallen by the wayside.  Many out there have said that they would have never thought we would be to this point.  Sadly, we are.  I am more upset about this today than I thought I would be when this started.  I am nearing the end of an almost 15 year relationship and I think that is what is getting the best of me.

Please remember as you read that this is my interpritation of things.  You must take this for what worth you place on it.  I am not going to spell any of these out.  If you care to get more in depth, I will be happy to discuss things, in person as I have done with so many.

I never felt as though I was unloved, however, I did feel inadequate at times.  I never dressed my age.  I felt that I was always giving and he was always taking and never giving in return.  The fights got longer and more frequent and we found ourselves fighting over the same things over and over again for about three years.  I wanted to go to counsling and asked to go.  I even took the liberty of going by myself to see a Neuropsychologist.

I will not, by any means, blame this all on Justin.  I wasn't a perfect wife and could be quite the bitch at times (pardon my language).  But, I do know that marriage takes both people trying to make it work and we both failed on that end.
 
There will be another side to this.  I hope that we will both heal and become friends (or something that resembles working together for the benefit of Amanda).  We will both move on and find someone new to love.  One thing is for sure, we will both be better people because of this.  If nothing else, we can help someone who is going through the same thing because we have been there and know the process. 

Time heals all wounds - and eventually, I have to start believing that myself.

Lacey

"In My Daughter's Eyes....."

I love my daughter more than life itself and if you are a mother then you know what type of love this is.  It is that unconditional, never ending, aching love.  I don't know how I loved before Amanda came along.


I catch myself realizing this love all the time and it truly takes my breath away.  I get home from a long, busy, exausting day and she gets so excited to see me and that makes all the worry, trouble and heartache that I am experiencing melt away.  She giggles and runs at me with arms open wide and hugs and kisses me.  She wakes up in the morning and plays with my grandmother and I listen to them while I am getting ready for work, she is such a jabber-jaw.  They play "babies" and she is momma to all those little dolls, monkeys and bears.  She is a great momma.  


I told her yesterday that if she was really good then we would go swimming.  I got home and Mom and Mammie (my grandmother) said that she was just perfect all day and talked about nothing but going swimming.  Excitement filled her face as we got ready to go and she was just a giggle machine.  However, when we arrived at the pool those giggles quickly diminished.  She didn't want to let go of me and float in her star.  She wanted to be attached to me the entire time we were in the pool.  I didn't make her let go, but I wanted her to float on her own to see her do it.  I wanted her to show me what she had learned in her swimming lessons; she didn't want to. 


I think back to swimming with her and I realized that she just wanted me near for that security.  She always wants me to be there.  It has been especally hard since my separation to convince her that I am always going to be with her and she will see me again soon.  


She has been asking a lot lately about our "old house."  The one we lived in when we were a family.  She wants to go there and see it.  I have told her we sold it and in her little 2 and half year old voice she tells me that some other little girl lives there.  Behind my tears I have to tell her that yes baby, another little girl lives there.  It is hard not being able to explain to a two year old the meaning of "divorce."  I do tell her that mommy lives with Granny and Daddy lives with Nana.  She says okay and starts jabbering on about something else.  So innocent....so pure.


A verse from "In My Daughter's Eyes" is below.  Sung by Martina McBride, I can say that this song describes me to a "T."  Every time I hear it, I cry.  I am even fighting back tears now knowing that I am going to be typing it into this passage.


In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes


In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes


She is the hope for my future, my miracle and reason for living.  She isn't judgemental.  She never will know just how God put her into my life at the right time and truly rescued me.


Lacey



 

Replacement: Let It Go.

Why is it so hard to replace things?  I ask the question because I have a very hard time replacing or getting rid of things.  I have had this problem my whole life.  You could say I am a pack rat (however, I am getting better).  Do you remember the awards you would receive in elementary school?  The ones for perfect attendance, A Honor-Roll....those kind?  Yeah, I was 26 years old before I let any of those things go. 

When I got married and moved out of my mom and dads house I left all of my high school "stuff" there.  When Amanda was born my mom needed a nursery so she made me come and clean out the closet in my old bedroom.  Luckily, I was years removed from some of those items and just threw them away, but somethings, such as my Academic Decathlon metals and such I just couldn't part with.  Now, they are in a box out in my parents shed. 

I am fighting the same battle today, both materialistically and mentally. 

Materialistically:  I really need a new phone.  Well, I say I really need a new phone.  I probably don't, I just need to go to AT&T and have them explain to me what has happened to my phone.  But, I digress.  I have an iPhone and ever since the last update I have had some problems with the operating system.  I have looked at new phones and have decided if they can't fix the problem with my iPhone I am going to buy a new Samsung Jack.  I am having a big problem with the thought of having to replace my iPhone.  It is like I am attached to the phone and I can't bear to part with it.

Mentally:  Isn't it funny how as people we are prone to replacing things and we really don't know it.  Not material things, but people.  Friends come and go, people get divorced, loved ones die.  I am struggling now with replacing and being replaced.  It seems now, I am having a hard time coming to terms with the ways in which my life is changing.  People I once had friendships with are falling by the wayside,  relationships with people are developing that I never would have guessed in a million years to become close to, and I am having to deal with the thought of myself being replaced (this thought hurts more than any).  I cherish all the people in my life and I never think of "replacement" as a permanent thing...except in the case of divorce (which is where I am at now).

So, the conclusion:  Let It Go!  You aren't going to be able to keep that iPhone 3 forever, friends will come and go and eventually you yourself will be replaced.  Don't let it get you down because something better is always along the path.

Lacey

"It's always best to start at the beginning......"

"......And all you have to do is follow the Yellow Brick Road."  A line from my favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz.  Dorothy was on her way to see the Wizard so he could help her return to Kansas.  Glinda started her on the Yellow Brick Road.

Not all of us are as lucky as Dorothy and destined to start our path on the Yellow Brick Road.  Most of our lives are more like the Yellow Brick Roads from the Wizard of Oz and the Return to Oz pieced together.  In one section it is smooth, bright yellow and shiny, a few steps later it is full of holes, the yellow has worn and the path is dark.

I am currently 27 years old.  I will turn 28 in January.  This age seems so young, yet so old.  I say that because there is still things in my life I haven't had the chance to experience yet other things I have.  As of August 20, 2010 I will be a single woman and mother.  My daughter is 2 and a half years old and we are currently undergoing the "Terrible Two's."  She is really my world and if you are a mother, you can relate. She is vivacious, intelligent, beautiful and as independent as one could be.  She always wants to do things herself.  I love her.  She is really my reason for living.

I work a full time job with a group of people that I wouldn't change for the world!  I love my job and not many people can say that.  I am also grateful for those people I have met through being in this position!  They are awesome and mean the world to me.  I am a Registered Assistant with a private label branch of a national broker/dealer.  It took me a little less than 5 years to obtain my Series 6 and 63 licenses.  It was hard work and there are still more licenses to go, but it is all worth it.

I am also a full time student about 60 hours away from my Bachelors Degree in Business with an emphasis in Finance.  After that, who knows?  I would love to obtain my Masters, but in what I am not sure.  It will either be in Business or Education.  I guess we will see.

For now, that is me in a nutshell.  You will learn more about me over the course of this blog.  I am not an eloquent writer, sometimes my grammar is lacking and I can be a bit emotional.  That is me.  Thanks to my best friend, Hannah, for putting the blogging bug in my ear.

Lacey